*WHAT TO DO?*

now is 2.10am.. wat i shud be doing now is studying..
but i cant rili concentrate..1st reason,im sleepy.. 2nd reason,i got something not clear in my head.. 3rd,i think i need to express something out in order to make myself feel better..
i need a shoulder ! seriously !
haix.. im so lost right now,im in nowhere,no direction,no guidance !
wat shud i do??

today rili had a happy time wit ka lai,we went out at 10.30am n back at 3.30pm..
he reached my house at 10.30am n fetched me out..
we went to green house to have our breakfast,den we decided to find chia..
went to his home but he wasnt there.. so,called him n he couldnt recognise me..
funny lar,dude.. u dare to say u couldnt recognise my voice !
ok,fine.. i asked him to wait n see who m i when we meet after tat..
den we went to temple n meet them there since today got a festival,but i dun noe wat is d festival called.. haha..
he was a bit surprised when he saw two of us ( ka lai n me )..
it's like something tat will never happen,i once rejected him but now i was with him d whole day long.. oni n d oni two of us..
three of us sat in d temple wit two other boys n two other girls n crapped lots..
after d event ended,ka lai n me went back to d car n drove off whereas chia followed d others..
we went to pusing coz he requested me to show him where is my uncle's shop n where's d hall i used to play badminton at..
we chatted happily today.. it was a bit unexpected coz we would expect tat we will be speechless when we meet each other.. but it turned out another way round.. in fact we got a lot of stuffs to be chatted bout..
he sent me back at 3.30pm.. i borrowed some piano lyrics from him n will return back to him b4 i back to KL..
once reached home,i started to ponder bout my whole day wit him..
last time when he proposed to me,couldnt deny tat i got lil' bit of feel wit him but still,i rejected..
today,he fetched me around,d solid 5 hours,i felt so secure being wit him..
i think i fell for him,but i wont do anything further since i noe it will not end perfectly..
honestly speaking,i felt very very happy today..
somehow when i pondered back,i think i shud have accept tis guy earlier..
he might bring me happiness..
anyway,decision made is decision made.. no way to change it,ryte?
haha..
i wont regret wat i did..

just now JW called me,told me how's my bro who is sick now..
i kinda worry bout my brother.. he is sick..
but since got ppl taking care of him,i feel better..
den JW told me bout d thing tat he shud say,i suppose..
so,he told me a lot of things.. we chatted for 3 hours thru d phone..
i can hear his voice changing,i noe he cried,he denied it..
boys cry is normal,girls are human,boys are human as well.. human has feeling,he/she cries is normal..
tat was d 1st time he cried for something silly,called LOVE..
i know him quite well,i noe wat kind of person he is..
my brother did tell me how tis person's personality is..
i can see he is a very good guy,he is obviously kind towards me..
he is very diligent,his result is a nice one..
no doubt he has a very mature mind,every single thing he does is based on a very properly decided decision..
he proposed to me n asked me whether i will give him a chance..
i gave him an answer of UNDEFINED.. *tut tut tut* --MATH ERROR--
haha..
i did not give him a YES or a NO coz i think neither one will leave a positive effect..
his exam is just around d corner,two more weeks to go.. i just did not want to influence him..
d purpose of him telling me all these is because he could not concentrate on his studies till he cleared his mind..
he just want to express d thing in his mind,d thing tat he isnt clear of.. he wants an answer from me,whether a good one or a bad one,he will accept it..
if i say YES,he will be happy..
if it's a NO,he will accept it n perhaps will sad few days n will be ok after tat..
i told him tat it's not easy to heal urself.. i was a victim b4,i understand tis very well enuf..
i noe d feeling of missing someone,it was terrible..
d feeling was sour enuf to keep me psycho for half a year,cry everyday for half a year,survive without food for 3 days,slept few hours for whole week and even hide in room every day n night.. so,i told him tat i will not give him an exact answer till his exam ends..
i already have an answer in mind..
i even told him if my answer is a NO,i will avoid myself from him..
d reason is simple,to let him forget bout me,or at least to not remind him of me..
coz i rili understand tis pretty thorough..
last time when i broke up wit my EX,i tot i can rili forget him..
i was totally wrong.. ya,i can forget him when i dun get to see him..
but d moment i saw him again,tears kept filling up my eyes,rolling down my cheek..
my heart was like being pierced,point by point.. it ached,d feeling was unendurable ! it made me pretty sick ! and tat can last for dayS !
so,i hope u will understand by then,why i purposely avoid u.. for ur sake !
by then,we will no more be close friends..
we will not be chatting for hours under H Block..
u do not have to accompany me back to my block..
we will not be sitting together at the same table having meal..
we will not be playing badminton together..
i will avoid u every monday in DK..
so,take care !
anyway,if im going to say NO,i will go n find u,tell u face-to-face as i promised..
and i will let u noe tat i will avoid u for some time..
i hope u understand me..
letting u seeing me is just like firing u,right into ur heart.. it aches,i understand ! u will suffer,i noe it's a cruel decision..
but tis is d way to make u forget me,even not completely,but at least partially..
he asked me whether do i have any good feeling towards him..
to be frank,i did love u b4.. i had a crushed on u b4.. but tat was b4..
by the time u told me u love me,it was all too late.. i did not have d feeling on u anymore..
im sorie to say tat..
i hope u will be happier..
if can,i want us to be best friends again..
i do not want to avoid u,if can..
cheer up,dude !
all d best for his exams n smile ( tat's wat u always say to me )..
post ended,ciaoz!