=/

It hurts so much to know that the person u love actually does not love u at all. I don't know whether he loves me, but i'm pretty sure he loves someone else MORE.

This is so obvious. =/

At times, he treated me nicely. At times, he ignored me completely. WTF !

I know he hates EMO people~ Ahhh well~!

No doubt i'm not good in hiding feelings, maybe i'm not good in managing own feelings. EQ low. I just do not know how to pretend happy when i'm not.

I know u don't like EMO people, but how do u expect everyone around u to be happy? I'm just being myself. But one thing i'm very sure is that, when i EMO, i just need somebody to accompany me, listen to me, and i will throw out everything, cry and I'LL BE OKAY !

But then, when i EMO, and still, i have to face the fact that my eyes couldn't cheat me, i wouldn't able to smile as how i used to be.

I would fake my smile all the time.

Let me ask u a question, think bout it !

U hang out with a bunch of friends, with one of them who is ur lover. He/She knew u like him/her. U knew that he/she doesn't have any feeling on u more than just friends. In fact, he/she was quite obviously showing that he/she has lil' bit feeling on another girl/boy, who is also ur fren. Nah, tell me now, how would u feel?
For me, i wouldn't want to talk much coz all will be pointless. I couldn't even smile sincerely,not even a single time. I could only bear with the feelings, sitting down quietly. As i said,my EQ is low. I usually fail in hiding my feelings and well, i cry easily. That was what happened. =( He didn't talk much to me coz he doesn't like EMO people. He talked pretty much to me when i'm not EMO. But seeing these kind of things, tell me, how can i don't EMO? ><

HUH ! The relationships between all of us are pretty complicated, VERY i would say.

People that like u, u usually don't like them. People u like, they usually don't like u. ><

By the way, i know i will never get him. So, well~ Got nothing much to say.

The one that kneed down on the floor and confessed to me, i don't like him.

The two boys that keep hinting me that they like me, i don't like them as well. So, i just remain flirty~

The one i love, didn't show much feeling towards me as in the feeling of being more than friends.

Nevermind, i know i screwed up everything in this semester. ARGHHH~
Over dy, over dy, tell me it's over, it's all over !!!!! =(
i couldn't bear these anymore. Let me be away from KAMPAR for some time, keep me away from those people. I would be OKAY !

Tell myself, i will be okay ~!

*IS IT TRUE*

Recently,a guy in my class seems to be showing his interest to me,but i am not sure whether it is true.

By the way,this is something that i noticed as well as everyone else.

It actually started from them,they keep on saying that,the guy wants to propose to me.

They even made a joke on me,apparently by intention,"Bao yee very pretty one,if she really wants a BF at UTAR,it's not hard. The problem is,she doesn't want." And they laughed.

Almost everyday,they will purposely say something about this guy in front of me and smile evilly.

Damn,i don't want him.

Anyhow,of course i felt it when everyone else could feel it. However,without any solid proof,i wouldn't want to comment much. =)

This guy was trying to date me out and i rejected him every time,sounds bad right? =P

He even wants to know where i live so desperately that he asked me the same question,almost daily. =.=''

He sent me the so called "love poem",actually it's not,it's a modified one.

In one incident when i chatted with him through fb chatbox,i said,"Okay,i dont one to talk to u already (because i feel annoyed)"

He said,"Is this called "sha jiao"?" =)

I said,"No,i'll only "sha jiao" in front of my beloved one"

Him : Do u love me?

Before i answered him,he said,"I accept your proposal.How many child u want?"

I was like,WTFF??!!

I told him,"You love me,not i love u"

Obviously,he is trying to hide away from this question. I do not know why.

I even asked him why did he likes to kacau me so much,i didn't really get what he meant.

He just sent me a part of a song lyrics,"Because of you,i never stay too far from the sidewalk"

WTF again,direct a bit lar !

On a particular Wednesday,during Cell Biology class,he sat next to me since all of my friends did not attend except for Hing Huat and Milo. But Milo usually sits behind us whereas Hing Huat hadn't arrive yet.

No choice,i had to sit with him.

Anyway,we had a nice chat and he kept on bombarding me with questions. =.=''

He said he wanna follow me to pasar malam,but i said,"NO !"

He kept on asking me permission to follow me,yet i still say,"NO !"

Class ended early that day,so Hing Huat wanted to find Emily and Alena to discuss about our assignment.

I promised him to guide him to Emily's house since he doesn't know how to go.

We planned to go pasar malam after that,together with Alena.

This guy said to me,"Not fair,why you treat him so nice but treat me so bad?"

I said,"Why,u jealous ah? Haha.."

He didn't bother to answer me.

Other than all these,he did a lot of things that showed that he has something inside him which i do not know what it is.

I hope my 6th sense this time is wrong,i already treat him bad enough. =P

Hope he won't fall for me,but anyway,he is a good guy,though a bit weird.

=)

*FURIOUS*

Damn furious just now,but at the same time,i feel really sorry to certain people.

Went to Kompleks Rakan Muda to play badminton just now. I went there with my brother,my "would-be" sister-in-law and my God brother.

We entered the hall and my brother on the lights. We played and not long after that,a typical Malay guy entered and interrupted,i guessed he is one of the security guard,but he was in a proper uniform like what the other guards wearing.

He off the lights and it was very dim inside. After long,the lights were still off.

I was very furious since we couldn't continue. If he wasn't familiar with the switches there,why did he fuckingly bother so much? Ask somebody familiar to handle it. WTF !

He said that the lights need some time to on since they are recharging.

If it was so,please lar don't ever fucking off it. Not familiar,dont touch,FUCKER !

We waited and waited,and the lights were still off,and there it came my anger !

I asked,"Nak tunggu berapa lame untuk buka?"

He said,"Tunggu le kejap,dia nak sikit masa untuk buka.Tadi apasal u orang buka ha? Siapa yang buka semua ni ha?"

My brother admitted that he on the lights.

Then,the fucker said,"Kenapa buka semua ha? Mana boleh buka semua?"

I said,"Korang tak de orang datang buka? Takkan saya tungge je? Sampai pukul 7 8 tak datang,tak yah leh main?"

He said,"Ishh ! Korang nak main ke tak nak?"

Me,"Nak le,tapi nak tunggu berapa lame ni?"

Him,"Nak main main macam ni,tak nak,bela!"

Me,"Ok,bayar balik !"

Him,"Ok,pergi amik kat guard !"

He told the guards at the gate via the walkie-talkie.

We furiously went to the guard house and one of the guard,i named him as A,said,"Kenapa lar,boy?(in a very good tone)"

We took the money from another guard,i named him B,and went off.

Then the B guard said,"Mark je lar number dia orang,*** ****"

My brother said while he was walking back to the car,"No next time !! "

I said,"Tak nak pun datang lagi !! "

The FUCKER then wanted to beat us but was stopped by guard B,the guard B was pulling his shirt.

We drove off and my God brother followed from the back.

If he really wanted to beat us,he would have done so when we were in the hall.

If he really wanted to beat us so much,he would have beaten my God bro since he started his motorbike when we were leaving,there was a time gap in between.

Before my God bro left,the fucker told my God bro,"suruh dia orang jaga2 ye"

The other 2 guards kept saying,"Sorry sorry"

Was so furious and we went back home !

I knew i was wrong anyhow,but the fucker,by anyhow,still could not got things done in that way !

We were your customer,even what was wrong,you party could not be so rude to us,am i right?

We have our rights !

Solve it in a better way lar,you bloody man !

I felt very sorry for my brother,i am just worry if anything will happen to him.

Please no,God,I sincerely pray hard so that my family members,especially my brother,Angeline and my God bro will be safe.

It is okay to punish me,but not on my family members. I am willing to sacrifice myself than to feel sad over things that happened to them.

I am serious,if punishment on me will prevent my family members from suffering,i am willing to be sacrificed.

Hope that everything will be okay.

*I LOVE U*

2 weeks ago,i went back to my home which is BG.

I remembered on saturday morning my grandpa ordered some hardware (izit called hardware? *thinking* well,wateva ! ) and the company sent them to my house.

My grandpa told me that those things he ordered are for the renovation of a part of my house (somewhere near the kitchen at the back part of my house).

At noon,my grandpa started the renovation work,my brother and i did help,but not much. Seeing my grandpa climbing stairs to place the aluminium roof-top on the wooden sticks,i felt very touched and at the same time,saddening.

I was thinking that,"grandpa is already old,no more a young healthy strong man,why is he doing this kind of things instead of sitting down,enjoying the life of being a retired papa/grandpa?"

I seriously felt very sad seeing that situation,and i seriously felt that he is already old.

But i know he did this things was to spend his leisure time wisely and productively. I know he is the kind that couldnt sit down quietly doing nothing,at least he will do something very beneficial to us.

I love him very much.

When i saw him doing so many tiring works,suddenly something popped out in my mind. This thing in my mind is very controversial,i do not know what to do. I'm stuck !

The only thing i would usually do is cry,other than crying,i do not have any idea of how to express my sadness and get myself relaxed.

Later,my grandpa stops his work and told me that he will continue the next day. I purposely told him that,"Grandpa,slowly do lar,this kind of thing no need to rush ma.. Still got plenty of time,do it slowly lor..(cheong maeng gong fu cheong maeng jou)" Get what i mean? There r some hidden meanings behind the things i uttered.

My grandpa replied,"Yalor,slowly do lor.. If get everything done so fast,later i boring lor,got nothing to do ady.."

I really felt sad inside,but i could not do anything other than to love him more.

Came back to Kampar on monday morning and i felt very unwilling to come back. But i got no choice.

I'd something in mind which i did not mention to anyone. I'd tell many people that my sixth sense is quite precise,never knowing that this is so true.

On tuesday,my uncle found me in facebook and i chatted with him. I told him that i feel that grandpa is old,he has the same feeling as me. I did mention to him about the things i wrote earlier.

Not long after that,my aunt who lives in Kampar called my brother. She wanted to borrow car from my brother and she mentioned that my grandpa was suffering from breathing difficulty.

At that moment,my heart was like falling down from cavity. I wasnt that shocked since i already anticipated this to happen,but i never want this to happen.

NEVER AT ALL !! NONONONOOO!!!

At night my mum called my brother and she wanted me to chat with her. I went downstairs and i couldnt endure my tears,i cried. I know mum was worried but i really couldnt keep the tears anymore. It was very hurtful to know that.

My mum kept on comforting me saying that my grandpa will be okay.

I just couldnt endure,i cried till night time until my God bro came to find us,i felt better after that.

The next morning,i went to find my mum at pasar pagi,chatted a while and got something from her,after that i went back since i'd class at 10am.

Actually on that week itself,we'll have BBQ party at our house in Kampar,but we requested to postpone it because we wanted to go home so badly. Okay,postponed !

We went back on saturday morning,after my class.

Reached home,first thing i sensed was,i smelt the smell of medicated oil.

The moment i stepped into the house,i felt that gloom of the house. I hate this kind of feeling.

Went into my grandpa's room,the first thing i noticed was,my grandpa has lose weight. I felt very dismaying.

He looks like he is very suffering to me. I really couldnt endure,i am very willing to be the one who sick or whatsoever,rather than seeing my beloved ones to be in pain or hard situation.

I endured my tears and i cried in the car on the way to fetch my little brother. I cried from 12sth till 6pm,all the time when i was helping my mum to prepare dinner,cutting vege,cooking etc.

Tears kept on rolling down my cheeks and i hid it from my parents but i guessed they knew it.

I couldnt endure my tears when i saw my grandpa's things at the back of the house,i can hardly smile on that day until my grandpa came to the back of the house,i saw him doin his things and i felt a bit relieved.

Then on,i stop crying, is started to be cheerful a bit.

On sunday,i felt much more better. I went out to market with my little brother and we bought breakfast for my grandpa. My little brother has really grown up. I feel it !

On monday morning,as usual,we left home and come back to Kampar. Before that,i went out with my grandpa to market and bought some ingredients. My grandpa said he will cook himself his breakfast.

We left at around 7.45am. I was very unwillingly leaving home,leaving my granpa alone at home for that morning. I seriously respect him and love him very much and he is my idol,no doubt !

I was very emo the whole day and i knew my classmates noticed it. They kept asking me what happened,but i did not tell them. I almost cried,luckily i didnt.

I called my grandpa once in two days to ensure that he is okay.

And by now,he is much more better already. Im a bit relieved.

I love u very much,my dearest grandpa !

I love u,now and always !!

Please stay healthy,stay strong and im sure u will live long !

You will not want us to feel sad right? I still want to complete my responsibility as a granddaughter. So,u must stay strong okay?

I know u will ! :)

Love you !!!! (:(:(:

*IM FRAGILE*

CNY is said to be a happy time for people to enjoy their days with family and relatives.

But for me it's a way too nostalgic that it reminded me of too many things especially those dismaying ones !

Get to meet up with many old friends,and at the same time,might accidentally meet with my exes. Its possibility is kinda high,if i've a choice,i'd rather choose not to come across them. The feeling is awful,and i MEAN it !

I cried every time i came across these situations,i dont know why it happened to be so,but i just burst into tears involuntarily.

Today i answered a call for my bro,and that caller happened to be one of my exes,and guess what? The feeling was seriously awful,AWFUL man !

Until now i still cannot be sure of whether i can let go of everything. Well,it's time to leave everything behind,new year,new start,new hope.

Words are always easier than actions. I always lamented on the same freaking thing since few years back,in fact it is always futile. =(

To be frank,im still not ready for a new relationship yet. Coz the missing piece of my heart still remains missing.

Too hard for me to trust another guy. My mindset now is that,some guys seem to be kind and near perfect in every aspects,but STILL,u'll never know what they will do to you in the end. They might just break ur heart into pieces,and that seriously hurts !!

Grrr !! Why am i crapping again,i told myself to avoid from thinking too much of silly things !

Mayb it's because of me,who still havent let go of certain things.

I.. seriously.. couldnt let go..of something. :'(

I hate to face anything regarding that relationship,i even thought of the death of myself would at least seek some attention from him.

I seriously dont mind if i get any kind of sickness which eventually leads to death,on behalf of my beloved ones,including my family.

Arghhh ! Should stop crapping,wouldnt want myself to cry during CNY,let me have an enjoyable CNY this year,seriously wishing !

Thought of these things is just like garnishing the wound in heart with plenty of salt. You're not me,so anyhow,u still dont understand how i feel.

Even if u try to put urself in my shoes,u might not understand,too.

I physically show you im strong,but internally/emotionally,im fragile. ):